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The Guardsman's Handbook
1. You are expendable, prove you’re worth something. 2. Don't form any deep relationships with your fellow guardsmen, they will drop like flies. 3. Orks are not friendly. 4. Your lasgun is just a powerful flash light, aim for their eyes. 5. The Commissar is your best friend, unless you piss him off. 6. No-one is stupid enough to give you life insurance. 7. A lasgun shot to the face will put most foes down regardless of armour save. However, due to budget constraints,your lasgun has not been fitted with sights of any kind, let alone a scope. 8. The lasgun will never get outdated or replaced by something better. 9. If you are asked by a Commissar why you retreated tell them you were advancing in the other direction. 10. There's a litany for everything. 11. The Commissar is always right. 12. Only buy the Imperial Infantryman’s Uplifting Primer. 13. When in deadly danger, when beset by doubt, run in little circles, wave your arms and shout. 14. Don’t hope to get back home: your chances left you when you signed up. 15. There is nothing special about you, only the tank you and your comrades are being the shield for. 16. Emergency or no emergency, if you melt the battery of your lasgun in a campfire, you're paying for a replacement. 17. When facing a force of Chaos, shoot the guy with the glowing eyes first. 18. When the battle is over, go ahead and shoot yourself. Inquisitorial Interrogation is much worse. 19. NEVER under ANY circumstances allow yourself to be taken alive. Your enemies will devour your soul,torture you in ways they Imperium has not even BEGUN to explore, feed you to a Daemon, hack you apart with blunt axes and swords made from scrap metal, or impale you on a spike. If possible, go out with the largest bang possible. Who knows, you could get sainthood if you blow up someone important. 20. They are called "Rhinos" not "Metal Boxes", no matter what the heretical forces of Chaos say. 21. Don't ask for better armour, you won't get it. 22. Titans will step on you if you don’t move. 23. Massed fire is your only chance of survival. Pour your shots into the same target as everyone else until it drops, and then jump to the next target. 24. Few things can beat a Leman Russ. Stick near it whenever possible. 25. Baneblades are the gods of the Imperial arsenal. Just cover your ears when they fire. 26. When you see a Titan stomping into the battlefield, get the HELL OUT OF THE WAY! 27. If the Flesh Tearers ever suggest a joint attack where you attack from opposite sides and meet in the middle respectfully decline. 28. Never get caught "rubbing your lasgun". Inquisition would arrive to purge the unclean. 29. Your bayonet will break at the most inopportune time, so stick to shooting. 30. The techpriests hate your guts and may probably try to rig your gun first chance they get, so be sure to know how to maintain your own weapon. 31. Any machine with a red blinking light is going to explode so run away. 32. The Inquisition is not your friend. They just don’t see you as much of a threat. 33. When in doubt....refer to rule 1. 34. Grots are not worth the las-shot, they're even more pathetic in combat than you. 35. Orks are still not friendly 36. NEVER began a joke to the Commissar with the phrase "What did the heretic say to the Commissar with the stick up his ass?" 37. Everyone wants you dead and/or doesn't give a crap. Get used to it. 38. Always change your socks and pants after a fight. ... Trust me, facing down a charging, screaming Ork carrying a cleaver as big as your torso will make you WANT a fresh pair of pants. 39. Never stand between two Titans. 40. Never hit on a Sister of Battle or Sister Hospitaller. 41. Never joke about compensating for a small one with a big hat. 42. Remember to place cardboard under your armour. That will give you better protection. 43. Always stand INSIDE the trench, and in the second or third line of the charge outside of them. 44. If anything goes wrong blame it on an Ogryn. 45. Your gun is worth more than you. Be nice to it. 46. If there are twice as many of you guys as there are the enemy you will still die. 47. You will die, get used to it. 48. Try to get shot, it wastes the enemys bullets. 49. Don't argue with the end of a pulse rifle, it argues harder. 50. Survive 15 hours....... Then read the rest 51. You know those heroic Imperial Guardsmen you read about facing down hordes of enemies? Yeah... you’re not one of them. 52. Think positive, VERY positive. 53. No pressure. 54. Try to be the heavy weapon in your squad you'll be the only one killing anything. 55. If you are the man with the heavy weapon everyone else will illuminate your target for you with a red dot from their lasgun. 56. Attack the front always! 57. If they have a weak rear, its a trap. Attack the front. 58. If they are weak to flanking, they expect it. Hit them in the front. 59. If you're losing, you're not trying hard enough. 60. If you're trying hard enough and still losing, start screaming various profanities and your love for the Emperor. 61. Scream LOUDER. 62. Make sure your dogtags are not lost for easy identification. We don't have dental records. 63. It's a good thing to be surrounded, you can attack in all directions. 64. If they are strongest at the front, attack there. They won't expect it. 65. Rule 64 is always true. 66. Rule 65 is always false. 67. Don't ask questions. 68. Throw whatever you can at the enemy. 69. Eldar never tell the truth. 70. Eldar sometimes give you valuable info. 71. If this handbook confuses you, keep it to yourself and read it upside-down. 72. If rule 71 doesn't work, throw this book at an enemy. You'll be following rule 68. 73. If you have any questions for the love of the Emperor don't ask a Commissar. They will see it as heresy. 74. If you beat a Commissar in game he will see it as heresy. 75. If you lose a game to a Commissar he will see you as weak and punish you for your insolence. 76. Don't play games with Commissars. 77. If you can't avoid rule 76 try to play a team game on the Commissar’s side. (rule 75 still applies) 78. If there is the result of a tie all participants will be lashed 20 times for lack of effort (except the Commissar.It’s not his fault he was paired up with incompetents) 79. You know that nagging thought that lingers in every Guardsman’s head? Just remember, the Inquisition will ask why your lasgun shot ended up in your Commissar's face. 80. No, for the love of the Emperor, the Sisters of Battle WILL NOT lay you. Ever. You don't matter enough. 81. If captured by the Dark Eldar, you will be beaten, raped, forced to fight other horrible monsters, and killed if you do anything wrong. Basically, it's the same thing you went through in the guard, except with better rations. 82. If you ever decide to betray your post and succumb to Chaos, always make sure that your Commissar is properly killed, beaten, cremated, and his ashes dumped off a cliff before shouting "DEATH TO THE FALSE EMPEROR!" Then duck to avoid the discharge from his gun. 83. If you will surrender, surrender to the Tau. Say you'll "Think about" joining the Greater Good. This should give you twenty minutes of peace before your POW camp is raided by Imperial Forces, and it's back to the daily grind. 84. When at all possible, stay next to the Baneblade. When your Commissar orders you to move out, tell the tank crews you see a Eldar right behind where the Commissar is standing. 85. Save all of your heroics for facing the Necrons. When they kill you, you just disintegrate. 86. Remember the chain of command. Survive for an hour, and you become an officer. Survive for ten hours, you become a General. Survive for a week, and you become the new Emperor. 87. I don't care how many genetic enhancements you have, Storm Troopers, you are NOT Space Marines. Do not attempt to do anything they do. 88. When working with the Space Marines, check the title of your story to see if it doesn't say "Dawn of War." If it does, you'll be fighting them at some point. 89. When battling the Eldar, don't waste the ammo of your lasgun. Ramming them with the back of your gun is just as effective. This applies to tanks and buildings as well. 90. This handbook also doubles as your ration of toilet paper. 91. If you run out of juice on your lasgun, don't ask for another Lasgun battery, the commissar will shoot you. The battery is worth more than you are. 92. This book must be treated with respect and may not be vandalised on punishment of death, but it still is your ration of toilet paper for your time of service. (But it also works great for killing Grots) 93. If you do have to use toilet paper use someone else's book, they will be shot instead of you. 94. Stealing enemy weapons is only heretical if it does not kill the enemy on the first shot. 95. You have complete freedom of speech in the Guard. However, the Commissar just has the freedom to shoot you for it. 96. Your Commander holds the right to trade you for any amount of gumballs he so pleases. That's about all your life buys. 97. The Commissar never runs out of bullets. Ever. 98. Why are you still reading this? Look up. 99. If you're dead, stop reading this. If you’re still alive, move to 100 100. After that bout of bowel clenching horror, use the supplied Guardsmen portable toilet. 101. Using the Adeptus Mechanicus toilet will result in being processed into a waste digesting servitor. 102. If you get promoted remove your rank insignia. That way snipers won't know you are an officer. 103. If your lasgun runs dry, shoot them with your pistol. If your pistol runs out, stab them with your knife. If your knife breaks punch and kick them. If your arms and legs are blown off gnaw them to death. If your jaw gets shot off then die on top of them and crush them beneath the weight of your collective corpses. 104. Surrender is not an option. Neither is retreat, tactical withdrawal, advancing in the opposite direction, or honourable death. 105. When all else fails call the author of your story/novel/comic and authorize them to use a Deus ex Machina. 106. You are only authorized to fight on planets where there are Titans, pieces of Titans, or Titan producing-factories. 107. If you are overrun by Tyranids overload your lasgun's power cell. Otherwise they may incorporate it into their biology. 108. For the love of the God-Emperor, why are you a guardsman? You should have been a Commissar! 109. The only acceptable situations for a guardsman to cry is if the enemy is going to rape you, or is raping you.All other instances will result in you being shot by your local commissar. 110. If you can see the enemy, you're dead. 111. If you can hear the enemy, work your way to a line further back. When questioned, say you are going to get more ammo. 112. If someone else can hear the enemy, ask them where they hears it from and push them in that direction. 113. Never tell anyone you can hear the enemy. 114. Wow, I got to rule 114? Amazing! I thought I'd be sh-- The previous writer has been shot dead for writing a helpful text for the Imperium. But, after he died, his superiors stole his idea and took all the credit. Now I am writing the The previous writer has been shot dead for writing a helpful te The previous writer ha The pre The Ah, this is the Emperor. Now that I have finally taken the credit for such a good idea, I will finish writing the book. 115. If you have a good idea, make sure it stays a secret. 116. Remember, your lasgun is insured, you’re not. 117. If you lose your armour, find a large cardboard box. Cut out 2 holes in the side, 2 in the bottom and one in the top. This should be an effective substitute for your normal armour. 118. That wasn't Chicken. 119. See that chain sword? Only important people get them, you are not one of them. 120. Space Marines only regard you as cannon fodder. Pretend not to hear them when they tell you to charge. 121. You are a heretic, whether you actually succumbed to Chaos or not. Nothing will change that. That's why the Sisters attack you every chance they get. 122. Your first aid kit only consists of a lasgun battery with enough juice for one shot. Make it count. 123. Only the Space Marines are important enough to get Apothecaries. Your healers only fix your tanks. 124. When a Chaos Sorcerer causes a Guardsman to see his worst nightmare, all he will see is Frank, the Inquisitor Titan Commissar. 125. If you feel that you are treated unfairly, you may join a Guardsman’s Rights Union (note that they are all heretics). 126. When facing Tyranids, don't blame yourself for dying. You had very little chance. 127. When facing Tau, pretend to join their Greater Good then shoot them in the back. 128. If weapon is taken away while attempting rule 127, say that you are an intelligence officer. You may live another day. 129. If rule 128 fails, scream "FOR THE GREATER GOOD!!!" and run wildly for the exit. Results may vary. 130. If rule 129 fails to produce good results ask to be made a PoW, then when the Tau try to arrest you grab one and threaten to kill it somehow. 131. When carrying out rule 130, grab his windpipe and squeeze. In fact, Tau probably don’t have windpipes. 132. Never start a land war in Asia and never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line. 133. Your mom stops loving you when you stop killing enemies. 134. Don't get killed by Chaos, otherwise your souls will hate you. 135. If all your brothers get killed in service, you're not going home to your mom. This isn't Saving Private Ryan. 136. When fighting Orks, a cork is your best friend. 137. When fighting feral Orks, keep your head down, they can actually shoot you. 138. When you die, try to position your body in front of the tanks to keep them from getting hit. 139. Eldar may not be as tall as you think, but they can still kill you in a hundred different gruesome ways (39-140 in “The Ways to Die Handbook”) 140. Especially those spiky Dark Eldar. 141. The Adeptus Mechanicus does not appreciate you attaching magnets to their craniums, no matter how funny they look when it scrambles their CPU. 142. Nor do Necrons. 143. Who carez about conservin ammo? When da Komissar ain't looking, charge ya battaryz ta maximum shooty so your lazgun can do more'n leave sunburn. 144. Dis settin iz called 'MEGA-ZOT'. 145. Those little things at the Orks feet are called Grots. All those inaccurate bullets they fire will have one that will find its target. Make sure it isn't you. 146. If you and your fellow guardsmen dislike your Commissar, in the next charge make sure he was... 'killed in action.' 147. Got kids? They will soon be fatherless. 148. During night fights you will exchange your lasgun for the more effective flashlight; it will blind the enemy long enough for the tanks to acquire a target. 149. Discard this rulebook if you get promoted to Heavy Weapons Team. Just entrench in a position and wait out this millennium. Maybe the next one will be more peaceful. 150. The Imperial Navy is not your friend. When they start firing, they don't even consider you obstructions. 151. If you are being taken prisoner by an enemy faction, and he is spouting off a long monologue, shoot him there. You may die by his forces, but heck, if he spouted off a monologue, he must be important. 152. If you are in the same squad as Commissar Yarrick, and he doesn't shoot you with his laser eyes in the first few seconds, he is satisfied. You will survive this war. 153. When they say "The Emperor Protects," remember the part everyone forgot. "...except the Guardsmen. He's not even going to bother with them." 154. Apply for a driver's license as soon as you can. You can thank me later once they allow you to drive a Leman Russ. 155. Orks are still not friendly. 156. Chaos promises you cookies and cake. 157. The cookies are a lie. 158. There is no cake. 159. The Emperor promises pie. 160. You have to survive 20 years to be given pie. 161. Only Yarrick gets two slices. 162. Write a farewell letter for tomorrow you'll die. 163. Hoping to stay alive is the first step on the road of Commissar friendly fire. 164. Some Orks have been known take guards teeth to pass off as their own. Feeding intravenously isn’t as bad as it sounds. 165. Orks, Tyranids, Eldar, Dark Eldar, Chaos, Tau, Necrons, Xenos, Hertics, the Inquisition, Commissars, The Imperial Guard, and anyone else, will try to kill you... Yes, that’s right, you have no friends. If you would like to dispute this go ask the Commissar. 166. Orks are still not friendly. 167. Stop reading and go die for your Emperor. 168. You are an Imperial Guardsman, it's time you started acting like it. 169. You made it all the way to rule 169! Drop and give me 200! 170. This is as good as life gets, everyone not in in the guard have the horrible burden of living and free will. 171. Tau are actually space cows. 172. If you are assigned a plasma weapon try and trade it for something that does not explode at random. 173. If your plasma gun begins to make weird noises refer to rule 68. 174. If you don't know what rule 68 is then just do what comes naturally. 175. Orks are friendly unless otherwise stated in previously stated rules. 176. Rule 175 was written by my retarded cousin I swear! 177. Before battle, inject pure sugar into your veins so that when enough of you die Khorne will get diabetes. 178. Remember this when you think you stand out – camouflage is useless under a tanks treads. 179. Point your gun's barrel at the enemy. 180. Your Commissar is always on your side. Thank him for shooting you; he wants you to sit beside the Emperor earlier. 181. The icons of the most Holy and Righteous Emperor shall not be referred to as "The goofy lookin' dead guy". 182. Civilians are not to be referred to as "Tyranid Take Out". 183. You may not use weapons looted from fallen Orks, heretics or anyone else that has a gun that can hurt things larger than a grot. 184. "Screw You Guys, I'm Going Home" is a proper battle cry. 185. "Meat Shields, ATTACK!" is not a proper battle cry. 186. "For the Glory of the Emperor" is an acceptable battle cry, as is "For the Honour of the Emperor". However, "For the Amusement of the Emperor" is not. 187. You are not to speak on behalf of your platoon. Especially with the opening line "We, the acceptable losses, salute you!" 188. The current conflict is NOT a Humie Waaagh! 189. The name of the current campaign is not "Operation We're All Gonna Die". 190. Giving the enemy your plasma weapon is not the easiest way to kill them. 191. You are not allowed to replace lasguns with super soakers. Even if they are more effective. 192. It is forbidden to head bang to Noise Marine rock music, no matter how tough the lead guitarist sounds. 193. Roll on the floor laughing. That way they’ll think you’re dying and shoot someone else. 194. Always try to be the last one into a fight, that way you might get a chance to run. 195. If your lasgun breaks, keep pulling the trigger...you might get lucky and kill yourself with a misfire. 196. You killing anything is much less likely than an Ork being able to fire his gun using only his imagination. 197. Fall down as much as possible, you might get lucky and end up in the first aid hut. 198. That application you filled out wasn’t to be a Tank Commander. 199. While transporting a commissar, drive close to the enemy so the commissar can hit them with his sword. This will keep him entertained and will distract him from shooting at you for entertainment. 200. By reading up to rule 200, you have spent more time reading and less time dying for the Emperor. Fix this before the commissar finds out. 201. Make sure you are the most useful guardsman the Techpriest knows, he may give you a weapon that can cause flesh wounds instead of sunburn. 202.If you dont know any techpriests just remember rule 68. If you dont remember rule 68 your local commissar will shot you for heresy so go back quick. Good luck! Category:Imperium